In the Waiting

Whether you have been trying to get pregnant or whether you have suffered one loss or many, all of us spend a lot of time just waiting.  We all want to know:  What do I do while I’m waiting?

Here are a few suggestions:

1.  Establish your identity in Christ alone.  Your identity is not found in being a wife or in motherhood.  Being a wife and a being a mother are just roles that you perform.

Philippians 3:7-167 But  whatever gain I had,  I counted as loss for the sake of Christ. 8 Indeed, I count everything as loss because of  the surpassing worth of  knowing Christ Jesus my Lord. For his sake I  have suffered the loss of all things and count them as rubbish, in order that I may gain Christ 9 and be found in him, not having  a righteousness of my own that comes from the law, but  that which comes through faith in Christ, the righteousness from God that depends on faith— 10 that I may know him and  the power of his resurrection, and  may share his sufferings, becoming like him in his death, 11 that by any means possible I may attain the resurrection from the dead. 12 Not that I have already  obtained this or  am already perfect, but I press on to make it my own, because Christ Jesus has made me his own. 13 Brothers, I do not consider that I have made it my own. But one thing I do:  forgetting what lies behind and straining forward to what lies ahead, 14 I press on toward the goal for  the prize of the upward  call of God in Christ Jesus. 15 Let those of us who are  mature think this way, and if in anything  you think otherwise,  God will reveal that also to you. 16 Only  let us hold true to what we have attained.

2.  Allow God to grow you.  Often, God wants to prepare us before He gives us a role to perform.  Just like desiring a husband didn’t make you an incredible wife, desiring a child will not make you an amazing mother.  If you want to be a great mother, you don’t have to wait until you have children.  Work now on becoming the mom that you want to be someday.

Psalm 37:3-7a – Trust in the Lord, and do good; dwell in the land and befriend faithfulness. 4 Delight yourself in the Lord, and he will give you the desires of your heart. 5 Commit your way to the Lord; trust in him, and he will act. 6 He will bring forth your righteousness as the light, and your justice as  the noonday. 7 Be still before the Lord and wait patiently for him.

3.  Give in to God’s best.  We need to be willing to give up what we think is best, for God’s best.  This requires a willingness to sacrifice our dreams and desires for the future on the altar of obedience.  It is not an easy thing to do; However, God never requires us to give something to Him that He didn’t first give to us.  Read the story of Abraham’s willingness to sacrifice his only son in obedience to God.  (Genesis 22)  His faith is amazing!

Genesis 22:12-14 – He said,  “Do not lay your hand on the boy or do anything to him, for  now I know that you fear God, seeing you have not withheld your son, your only son, from me.” 13 And Abraham lifted up his eyes and looked, and behold, behind him was a ram, caught in a thicket by his horns. And Abraham went and took the ram and offered it up as a burnt offering instead of his son. 14 So Abraham called the name of that place,  “The Lord will provide”; as it is said to this day, “On the mount of the Lord it shall be provided.”

If there were an easier, better, or more painless way for God to accomplish His will in your life, He would certainly do it!  Trust this and find joy in the waiting.

12 Comments

12 thoughts on “In the Waiting

  1. I just wanted to share my story because for years it’s been hard to tell anyone. If things would have been different I’d have 3 children. I lost my first child, she was a miscarriage. I knew and really don’t know how I knew that she was a girl, it was an early miscarriage. A year later I gave birth to my son, he is my everything and part of the hurt for my Jadyn Elena went away, but a part always stays with you when something like that happens. I went on, after my son was born I immediately got pregnant again, With my second daughter Curtlyn Rayne. I was in a wreak when I was 8 months pregnant with her. My son was in the car. It was a very bad wreak and with the exception of my son it almost killed me and my father-in-law and did kill my mother-in-law. I didn’t get to go to my baby’s funeral I was in a coma when they buried her. I didn’t get to see her and that still bothers me even though it’s been almost 4 years now. Sometimes it still feels like a heavy coat that weighs me down when I get depressed and wear it. I really dislike Mother’s Day because it feels like a reminder that if things were different I’d have 3 beautiful babies here. My son helps me so much and in a way I’ve used him as a crutch to help me on the bad days. I can’t talk to my husband about this he doesn’t like to talk about it and gets mad when I mention it, so after the accident when I realized that I wasn’t going to get support or a kind word from him on the subject, I kind of locked it away and held it in. This is the first time in 4 years I’ve really went the distance and told somebody. It hurts so bad at times and I really don’t know what to do. I do my best to wear a mask of happiness and I’ve really worked hard the past year and 8 months to make positive changes in my life, but the hole is still there. I have dreams about her growing up and getting married. I didn’t really know how to feel about Jadyn, I was so early along, but Curtlyn, still born and weighed over 6 pounds. The week before the accident I went to the doctor and he said that at that point if I went into labor they wouldn’t stop it. I didn’t get to see her, I have pictures, a little dress she wore, a clipping of hair, and a beanie baby they took her pictures with. It’s just so hard to deal with grief when every time you shed a tear somebody tells you to quit being a baby. I think I’ve said pretty much all I can, I apologize for it being so long a message… please forgive me…. Thanks for at least letting me post, even if nobody reads it I still got it off my chest and that’s good therapy. I hope you have a great evening and thanks again

    • Miranda,
      My heart aches for you. Sometimes it seems like some people go through more loss than the human heart was meant to bear. I just want to reach out and hug you and hold you while you cry. And then, I want to have you over to my house where you can be real and drop that mask of happiness, as I’m sure it’s exhausting and lonely to keep up day after day.
      I’m so glad you told us. (And no apology needed for a long message!) Telling your story is often the first step to healing. Writing it out, painful detail by painful detail. It releases the floodgates of emotions kept bottled up that often become too much to keep in. Come here and write it a million times a day if you need to, so healing can take place (actually, we hope to open the forum soon, so you can write it there too, for privacy sake!)
      I can’t imagine what the eternal purpose to all of this is but Miranda, I DO believe there is an eternal purpose. There is a dimension, as it were, that we can’t see. Heaven. God’s purpose. For those of us who have made Christ Lord of our lives, we can hold tight to the fact that even the horrible, horrific, devastating wrongs of this world will be redeemed and made right in heaven. That someday, we will get to heaven and fall to our knees in awe and wonder at how HE took something that a sinful world, with all it’s brokenness brought about, and still wove something of awe and beauty from it.
      Our human, earthly minds can’t grasp it. Not yet. Though sometimes He gives us a whisper of a hint of it and we find another day of being able to keep on. But someday. . . oh someday. . . when we stand before our Creator and Redeemer, we will see the full picture and healing will occur in a moment as we hold our children who have been waiting for us.
      Meanwhile, until that day, I will be praying for you and so will Holly, and as much as we can, we will help you carry your grief via the internet.

      • I was saved and was a very regular church goer before the accident. I went through a moment of being slightly mad at God for all this pain, but I know now that you can’t really blame him for pains experience in this sin-filled world. I know that these things have a reason. It still hurts, but I feel that in the past 4 years I’ve grown as a person. Not long ago I dusted off my bible and started reading it again, it brings comfort to me. Maybe soon I can talk my husband into at least taking me and dropping me and my son off at church. ( After the accident I couldn’t bear to drive, and didn’t drive too much before then. ) And maybe I can get him to go with me sometime. I appreciate you both so very much.

  2. Dear Miranda,
    My heart is heavy for you. I praise God for your three children, but I grieve with you that you have only one to hold right now. I will be sending you an email today or tomorrow. I wanted to reply right away, but I also want to address your hurts. Thank you for your courage to share your story. I hope you will consider joining our Bible study. We hope to be up and running very soon. It will be conducted in a private forum, and will be addressing so many of these difficulties you are facing right now. There is no commitment level required, and no book to read. We will be using the truth of God’s Word to heal and find answers. You can simply come and read the comments or join in on the discussions as you feel led. Either way, we will be praying for you. I’ll be in touch very soon. May God comfort your heart, and may this be the beginning of true joy in your mourning. joycomeswiththemourning@hotmail.com

    • God is the answer to all of your burdens that you carry. He longs to hear from you, and He longs to comfort you. Finding a church that preaches the absolute and the whole truth of God’s Word will certainly help you as you seek after God. We need support and accountability to grow. “The truth will set you free!”

  3. I’ll do my very best to check posts and answer them, it’s nice to have someone to talk about this with who really understands everything, I think this site is a wonderful gift for grieving mothers. As of now, I’m pushing myself forward for my son. I am in college studying medical billing, but I’ve been thinking of switching majors to criminal justice. About a year ago my weight got really out of control, I’d been using food as a crutch and my weight got to 430 pounds and in the past year I’ve lost 140 pounds. So I’m trying to move forward as best as I can, but the hurt never leaves. It’s always there in the corner of everything I do, in a way it’s a comfort because they’ll never be forgotten, but in a way it drags me down even if I am doing well. Thanks for your kindness and thanks for this site, I believe it’ll be a great comfort to many heartbroken mothers.

  4. Wow Miranda. A loss of 140 lbs!? That’s incredible! I am so proud of you and I don’t even know you!
    I

    ‘m so glad you’re reading the Bible again. I’ve had times, especially after our first miscarriage when then, a teen girl in my life got pregnant and did nothing but complain about her pregnancy, that I had a time where it was too hard to pick up the Bible or talk to God. I was angry. Plain and simple. But then, like you said, I realized I can’t blame Him for the sadness that comes from a sin-filled world and I began to long for my intimacy with Him again–even though I couldn’t understand the WHY’s to our loss.

    The Bible is alive. So very alive. Even on the super emotional days, when it feels like “nothing” is getting through, our hearts are soaking in the truth within it and it ministers to our hurts, even without us being aware. It’s only in looking back through time that we see just how much impact it had on our heart and soul and the part it played in our healing process. I am going to add this to my prayers for you–that His Word will soak in to your heart and that you will grow deeper with God as a result.

    Hugs

  5. Melissa, it’s very hard being the way I am now and looking back on the way I was then. 140 pounds ago I was barely getting around and basically sitting around waiting on my body to give out. I was so devoured by the grief and the loss of her that, even though I didn’t acknowledge it at the time, was committing suicide. I was trying to kill myself, my son was my turn around. He was 3, he looked at me and said ” Mommy when you get better you’ll play with me won’t you? ” I cried like a baby because at the time I didn’t know what I was going to do to get better. He made me want to push myself, because at the time I’d stopped moving forward because moving forward meant moving farther away from a time when I had her. I started making myself , for lack of a better term, move on with life. My heart was broken, and my body ,even though time had healed most of the wounds from the accident, was suffering from the pain of a healed metal-filled femur and the extra weight I carried didn’t help that or anything else for that matter, but I started wanting to live after that.
    I love the bible, it’s a wonderful, loving gift that the lord has given us to help when times are bad, sad or just awful. I really feel bad about turning away from it and God for such a time when I really needed him with me the most.
    I was a little upset just a few months back, I found out my sister-in-law was pregnant, for some reason that I don’t understand, it upset me. She had the baby this past week, I looked at pictures of him and he’s so adorable. The pictures made me wonder why I was mad to begin with. I love my sister-in-law dearly and felt bad for being mad at her, even in the beginning, but in a way I felt like it wasn’t fair that she could have her babies and two of mine aren’t with me. I still feel bad about the whole mess.
    I miss being as close as I was to God, but I’m hoping to regain the connection with Him, because I need Him in my life. Sometimes I feel like if I’d been a stronger person that the connection would of never been broken, but I’m just a woman who loved her babies with all of her heart and had a very hard time letting go. I guess it’s not that the connection wasn’t strong or that I wasn’t strong enough, but it’s just that when you know seeing them is a lifetime away it’s hard to look forward with a smile, but I want very much to live a life in a way that makes them proud to call me Mommy.
    I went through the same thing after the accident, wondering if I’d been stronger if she would of made it. Up until a year ago, I still would ask myself sometimes if I could of done something to save her or if the doctors could have let her live instead. When something like that happens, the what-ifs will eat you alive if you let them.

  6. Yes, the what’ifs definitely will eat you alive. Oh my. I so “went” there after our ruptured ectopic pregnancy. My mind had to practice taking every thought captive to Christ big time, during those months! What a struggle it was!

    How do people do it without The Word of God when grieving I often wonder? Isn’t it such a lifeline for us!? I’d be lost without it.

    That reconnection will be regained with God, as long as you keep seeking Him. We’re promised that if we seek Him we will find Him (Jeremiah 29:13). And that connection will be deeper and stronger because of this time in your life.

    I don’t think the fact the connection was broken doesn’t mean you weren’t strong enough. You are a broken human woman. Look at the “greats” in the Bible. They lost their connection with God throughout the years and yet, so many made it in Hebrews 11 Hall of Fame. He knows we’re frail and as dust (Psalm 103:14). He knows we can’t understand because of our limited sight. He knows why with those limitations in our understanding, we grow angry and confused and push Him away. He knows, He aches, and I honestly believe He longs as much as we do, for eternity to begin so we can see what He sees. And then, when we come to the end, and realize, that even though we don’t understand “why”, we desperately need Him, because life angry and without Him is a million times worse, He is there ready to wrap us up and show Himself so that we can find that reconnection with Him. Praise Him!

  7. It’s amazing how people get through the worst of times without Him. I’m actually surprised I survived after pushing Him away for so long. I can’t even imagine what an ectopic pregnancy would be like let alone a rupture, praise God that you had Him with you! I know He understands what we are going through, a lot better than we do! It is easy to question and be angry and He understands that it’s simple human steps that we have to go through when we are hurt. Questioning and anger is a part of the healing process. It is nice to feel the bond again, kind of like being wrapped in a warm protective blanket!

    • “Questioning and anger is a part of the healing process. It is nice to feel the bond again, kind of like being wrapped in a warm protective blanket!”

      Could not have said it better myself!

  8. It’s also awesome that God doesn’t leave us, even when we forsake Him. You didn’t go through any of that alone. You might not have been seeking Him, but He was watching you. Obviously, sin will stand in the way of our relationship with Him, but He never leaves us! Praise Him!

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