I want to write this letter to share my heart with you. I want to let you know that you are not alone. I want you to know that your struggle, as hard as it may be, is not unbearable – it is not impossible to navigate – not impossible to endure. I want you to know that your trial can be accompanied by joy, and even thanksgiving. I want you to know that God is already in your future. He has the perfect story written for your life. All you need to do is trust – trust His sovereignty and His love.
Mother’s Day is upon us once again. What emotions this day invokes – sadness, fear, disappointment, heartache, and even anger. It also conveys feelings of joy, thanksgiving, excitement, and acceptance.
I remember the seven long years of wishing, waiting, and dreaming of having a child – so many tears. I begged God, daily, for a baby. I remember how I felt the first time a doctor told me that I could never get pregnant. I remember how I felt after the 20th doctor told me that I couldn’t get pregnant. Oh, the discussions that I had with God! I remember the two weeks in constant and fervent prayer, asking for answers and for peace. Then, it came – total and utter surrender, complete abandon to the will and the sovereignty of God. I’m not saying it came easy. It hurt – a lot. It felt like my heart was ripped from my body. Everything that I had always wanted was gone…gone, just gone.
Then, I remember the feeling of hope being rekindled, as yet another doctor dared to dream my dream. She opposed the former opinions and gave me the courage to begin dreaming again. I remember the feelings of excitement and delight, when I saw two pink lines – the joy of telling family and friends. The morning sickness didn’t bother me one bit…I was too thrilled!
I remember taking my son home. I remember the fears – SIDS, germs, and jaundice. There were the terrible emotions that came with my post-partum depression. I had wanted this baby so badly, and now, I just wanted to give him back! I remember crying with him every night. I remember screaming out to God for deliverance. I remember the frustration, the anger, the sadness, the guilt and regret…and of course, more fear.
Then, I remember the emotions that came as the medications finally began working – the clarity and the peace. The awe and wonder that comes with watching your first child takes steps, starts talking, and all the other things that merit our amazement as they grow.
I remember seeing those two pink lines for the second time. What joy! However, the feelings of elation where soon replaced with sorrow, when I miscarried a week later. Another pregnancy was detected a month later, and hope and anticipation returned. 10 weeks later, an ultrasound quickly crushed my positivity along with my dreams for a baby to hold. Confusion, grief, and despair consumed my heart.
A third positive pregnancy test a month later was the beginning of a whole new set of emotions that I never would have associated with having a child. Pregnancy would never be the same again.
Being a mom is hard work, but becoming a mom proved to be even harder. I know the emotional roller coaster ride that wanting a child can be. I felt every sentiment possible during the seven years that I had my seven children (3 earth-side and 4 in heaven). It seemed that each Mother’s Day was different. I was always in a different situation. However, I did realize that I was always disappointed in the day, no matter what. So, I finally did some soul-searching and discovered the issue. Last year, I posted a blog: https://perfectjoyministries.wordpress.com/2014/05/10/happy-mothers-day-2/, which gives you some great pointers for preparing for Mother’s Day. I hope you will take a moment to read it. I think it may give you a whole new perspective this year.
In closing, I want you to know that you are not alone. Whether you are dealing with infertility, struggling with multiple losses, trying to adopt, or a combination of the above, there are other Mommies who are in similar shoes. We are all the same, really. We are women with a desire and a reality that don’t match. Our hearts are big and our arms are not full. Our plans have been thwarted and our path has been re-routed.
However, the miracle of it all comes in the ironic form of a baby. Jesus came to earth, born to a mother, just like one of us. She faced the same emotions that we do. Her Son belonged to God, just like our children do. She had to choose to trust and obey, just as we do. In the end, Jesus was the answer. He is our hope. He is our peace. He is our joy. Mother’s Day isn’t just about having a child in your arms. It is about giving thanks to the one Who makes it all possible…in His time.
With all my love,
Original material by Holly M. Besser, ©2015. May not be used or re-printed without permission. bp6705-08-15