When Hope is Gone

Romans 8:18-30
18 For I consider that the sufferings of this present time are not worth comparing with the glory that is to be revealed to us. 19 For the creation waits with eager longing for the revealing of the sons of God. 20 For the creation was subjected to futility, not willingly, but because of him who subjected it, in hope 21 that the creation itself will be set free from its bondage to corruption and obtain the freedom of the glory of the children of God. 22 For we know that the whole creation has been groaning together in the pains of childbirth until now. 23 And not only the creation, but we ourselves, who have the firstfruits of the Spirit, groan inwardly as we wait eagerly for adoption as sons, the redemption of our bodies. 24 For in this hope we were saved. Now hope that is seen is not hope. For who hopes for what he sees? 25 But if we hope for what we do not see, we wait for it with patience. 26 Likewise the Spirit helps us in our weakness. For we do not know what to pray for as we ought, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groanings too deep for words. 27 And he who searches hearts knows what is the mind of the Spirit, because the Spirit intercedes for the saints according to the will of God. 28 And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose. 29 For those whom he foreknew he also predestined to be conformed to the image of his Son, in order that he might be the firstborn among many brothers. 30 And those whom he predestined he also called, and those whom he called he also justified, and those whom he justified he also glorified.

I have shared Romans chapter 8 before. I love the beauty in the promises. There is so much to take in. I love the verses about hope. But what happens when hope is gone?

The past month has been filled with my hopes being crushed. I have a severe spinal disease that needs treatment. I wake up each day with hope that this might be the day that someone “fixes” me. I have hope that I just might have a chance to play on the playground with my daughter – something I was never able to do with my sons. I have hope that one day my children could run and jump into my arms without causing damage or at least excruciating pain.

I was recently directed to look into a spine center three hours from my home. From the time they reviewed my MRIs, they were positive that they could help me. We had the surgeries scheduled, the paperwork completed, and a deposit paid. Then, Obamacare hit. My dreams of being whole and pain-free were over with one phone call. Because insurance companies are paying less for out-of-network treatment, my financial responsibility went from $2,000 to $20,000. In an instant, my hopes for healing were gone. The pain in my body somehow doubled in that moment. A spinal block and a wheelchair began to look, not only possible, but almost welcome.  https://www.facebook.com/hmbesser/posts/10152234809214994

From the time I was very young, I wanted to be a mom – that’s all – just a mom. I never had dreams of being a teacher or a doctor or an astronaut. I just wanted to have a family. Even in elementary school, I would draw pictures of the ranch that I would build for orphans. I wanted to adopt in the worst way. When the spine condition kept me from having children for the first seven years of my marriage, I thought that adoption would certainly be a viable option.

When I finally surrendered this area of my life and longing to God, I was blessed with my first son. Even though pregnancy has been a rough road for me, I was so grateful that God saw fit to bless me with three beautiful children here on earth and four more in heaven. In the meantime, my husband changed his mind about adoption. He was no longer interested. Ugh. Another dream dashed.

Now, I am facing the reality that my body cannot safely carry another child, without huge risk to my health. I have an appointment scheduled next week to have my tubes sealed. However, I am still praying and debating. How can I completely kill another hope? How can I allow the one thing I wanted for so very long to be taken from me? I just do not feel that our family is complete. I just do not have a peace about it. What to do?

As I ponder these hopes in my life, I have been forced to one conclusion in the past two days. It sounds so easy, but if you investigate your life, I will guarantee that you aren’t doing it either.

I need to put ALL of my hopes in GOD – ALL of them.

I need to stop hoping in science, in doctors, in adoption plans, in birth control (or lack thereof), and a multitude of other things to complete my dreams and desires. Even when I cannot see the road ahead or how God’s plan could possibly be accomplished, the Holy Spirit prays for me. He intercedes on my behalf with the Creator of the universe. He sees my heart and hears my cries for help, and He speaks to the One who named the stars, asking Him to meet my needs. Amazing!

I have said it before, and I’ll say it again, NOTHING WILL THWART THE PLANS OF ALL-MIGHTY GOD! There is nothing I can do or even the President of America can do to change the will of God. If He wants me to be healed, He will make a way. He doesn’t need an insurance company to cover the costs. He owns all the cattle on a thousand hills. He doesn’t need our money. If He wants me to have another child, He doesn’t need me to change my husband’s heart or keep my womb functioning, in order to accomplish this. Once again, I put my great God into a very tiny box. Oh, may I look to the One who formed me from the dust of the ground to complete what He has preordained for my life. God is already in my future. He has seen my children grow up. He has seen my grandchildren. Surely, my hope is in the fact that He will do what is best for me and what brings glory to Himself – every time.

Original material by Holly M. Besser, ©2013. May not be used or re-printed without permission. bp50p01-21-14

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