Done…or just beginning?

The cry of my heart for so long has been the desire for children.  I couldn’t even imagine a day that didn’t include thoughts of a snugly little baby, or a time when our family would feel truly and totally complete. I didn’t even know what this would look like. How would I know?

After the most terrible labor imaginable with my first son, I vowed that “I was done!” However, even though the memories of that horrible pain have never left my mind, my desire for another child outweighed the fears, just as it does for most first-time moms. Even after my first two miscarriages, I was ready to keep trying – keep fighting. After my second son was born, and after a picture-perfect delivery, I was ready to quit while things were good. However, my desire for a little girl allowed me to cave into my husband’s desires to try again, though it wasn’t without some bitterness and frustration. I didn’t feel like going through another loss or another difficult pregnancy.

Then, another loss. The hardest so far. This little one was so very perfect on the ultrasound. 10 perfect fingers, 10 perfect toes, a beautiful little face, and of course, a silent heart. My heart felt shattered, and I wanted to be done. My health was failing, and I was tired. I was tired of hurting, tired of feeling sick, tied of trying so hard. I had my thyroid removed a month later, and went right into radiation for thyroid cancer. Another month later, I began the process of getting off the narcotics I was on for nine years. I was ready to begin living! No more putting myself through pain and heartache.

I had always wondered how women had endured loss after loss.  When do you say “enough is enough?” It is funny how God works and leads. I knew that I wasn’t ready for my tubes to be tied or anything permanent, but I didn’t think I would be ready to try again so soon. It took five months to be free of the pain-killers, and two months later, I was pregnant again. Although I had dealt with seven years of uncertainty, at the beginning of our marriage, due to health concerns, I never had an issue with getting pregnant, once we were given the “ok” to try. My pregnancies were hard though, really hard. Because of my other health problems, I struggled hard through each one, even the short ones.

This sixth pregnancy lasted only eight weeks…eight long and trying weeks. We went back and forth from facing miscarriage to being told everything was okay. In the end, a confirmed blighted ovum left me with not only an empty heart and empty arms, but also an empty womb. It was weird though. My fight was back! My desire for a baby was strong again – stronger than the hurt and the pain. Three months later, a surprise second pink line joined the first one on that randomly-taken pregnancy test. The other six times, I knew weeks before a positive test, but this one…it was a gift…a treasure…a loving blessing from my loving Heavenly Father. The feeling of sheer joy and utter excitement as I told my son, and let him call his dad, the thrill of sharing the news with family and friends, and the peace of feeling that, this time, it was going to be okay.

It was soon after this amazing day, that I began to feel “done.”  I can only attribute the feeling to God, as I truly do not know how it happened. I have no idea how this pregnancy will end, but either way, it’s time to put a period on one part of my story and begin a new chapter. I had several main thoughts that led me to this decision.

1) I am fighting so very hard for something I (#1) already have in my two little boys, and (#2) do not know for sure that I will ever have again.

2) I am wasting so much time being sick, grouchy, and miserable, instead of being the mother that I want to be to my precious children. They are growing up so fast, and I am missing out on some precious memories. Not to mention giving them some not-so-precious ones.

3) I have been pregnant seven times in the last five years. This makes for one hormonal mess! It’s not fair to my husband, nor good for our marriage.

4) I was wrong to view the end of trying for or of having babies as a negative thing. The thought of enjoying my family and my life, without the nagging need to be pregnant sounds exciting. I can pass on the infant items and out-grown clothes in the attic, and make room for school projects and endless Legos. I’m not trading down for something worse, rather I’m moving into something different.

5) As my children grow up, it allows for more time for ministry and hobbies that I had to set-aside after my children were born. I can share my passions with them as well. It also gives me more time for my husband.

We do not know the mind of God, and He can certainly change ours, but I feel relatively confident that this is a decision that I’m comfortable and happy with for the first time in my life. (btw, my husband is on the same page.) I truly never thought I would be here, and couldn’t imagine getting here, but I’m so content and at peace…in a different way that I have never known before.

If you are still undecided and still have some fight left in you, I encourage you to keep walking this road, praying for God’s leading. He will lead, and He will direct you, and you will know His will.

We have not ceased to pray for you, asking that you may be filled with the knowledge of his will in all spiritual wisdom and understanding, so as to walk in a manner worthy of the Lord, fully pleasing to him, bearing fruit in every good work and increasing in the knowledge of God.  Colossians 1:9-10

 Original material by Holly M. Besser, ©2012. May not be used or re-printed without permission. bpp01-21-13

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