The following is an excerpt from Melissa’s blogsite http://www.hiddenvalleysimplicity.com.
With our most recent loss I cycled several times though a range of emotions, stronger I think, than any experienced to date with one of our losses. This time around played off of not only my greatest desire (pregnancy) but also my greatest fear (another potential ectopic pregnancy) and with the three weeks of waiting to see which it was, the intensity of what I was experiencing surprised me.
And yet I came again to the place of surrender that God is God and He is enough. I wrote of it in length on my personal blog but here are some excerpts of what I finally came to:
Then comes the moment and our worst fear stares us in the face. This will either wring utter surrender from us or cause us to clench more tightly to that which we hope for. The deeper the loss the more we clench. The more we clench, the more our souls must be torn, for clinging is not the peace. Releasing is the peace. Releasing even as we cry out, grasping as our breath is torn from our lungs from the weeping of the devastation.
A dichotomy, this devastation comes with a wave of peace that passes all human understanding. What we once thought was our safety, refusing to let Him have what we longed for, what we adored, what we demanded as our right, we now realize is our greater pain when held to with tight fists. Tight fists carry the cost of soul exhaustion.
There really is no control. It is only our illusion that we have it. And in that illusion we breed anger against our Lord, for He is taking what we believe belongs to us. Like an animal caught in quick sand that is pulled deeper as it struggles, the deeper we sink into that which destroys us slowly when we clench and scream, “Mine!”
But then the rescue comes. The rescue is found when we change our declaration to “Yours Lord. . . Not mine. Yours.”
. . .
That which is seen is not hope. It is only the unseen that we hope in.
Here, at surrender, our unseen hope is that there is no pain, no loss, no brokenness, that will not be worked out into sheer beauty beyond our comprehension by a God, Who also is beyond our comprehension.
“I see a star, You see the galaxies.”
This line from Abraham’s song in The Story, reminds us of why we can surrender, even when we cannot understand. Because He sees what we can not. He understands what makes no human sense. He knows the beauty of the end when the middle is painful beyond what we feel we can bare.
. . .
In the horror of the darkness
Of this testing abandonment
I glimpse my journey
This is more terrifying
Than the potentially devastating unknown.
And abandoned as I feel,
I would rather cling to this weak faith
That you are still somewhere behind this darkness,
A God of love,
And working out plans for a hope and future,
When that promised love is fully obscured.
. . .
I’m the personality who wants to know Who, What, Why, When, and How. And there is none of that in Job except the Who. He never gets an explanation for anything. But he finds this incredible faith that I’ve always longed for, as he abandons himself to full surrender and comes to grips with the knowledge that God is God and Job is not, God knows the why, and that is enough.
And that is what God has asked me this past week in circumstances beyond my control that have led to yet another heartbreak in my life, centering on one of the greatest longings of my heart. “Is it enough that I know the details of how and what and why, but won’t reveal it to you? Is it enough I know but you don’t?”
The upside-down truth is that a release comes to accept and surrender and say on bent knees, “It is enough. It is enough there are is no human understanding of why this is allowed. It is enough to not know. It is enough, that You know. You, God, are enough.”
The full excerpts of these blog posts can be found at:
The Release of Surender
Original material by Melissa J Carswell, MA, BCCC. Perfect Joy Ministries ©2012. May not be used or re-printed without permission. bsbp015p11-29-12