(This is Part I of this study. Part II can be found here)
After repeated cycles of not getting pregnant or miscarriage and loss, one of the most glaring questions that can present itself is, “Do we try to get pregnant again, or don’t we?”
With so many unknowns, many of them leading to potential further heartbreak, this is not easily answered. In one moment we can find ourselves wanting to risk everything we know can happen and take the chance. The next, in an attempt to protect our fragile hearts, we vow, “Never again. Never again will I set myself up for a heartbreak like the last one.”
We can think of a million logical reasons why not to try again.
That logic may present itself in terms such as:
“Scar tissue that carries a high risk of tubal pregnancy”
“Both of you are genetic carriers for. . . “
“Blood clotting disorder”
“Non-existent motility and count”
“You are taking a chance of…”
The list is endless.
While the logic hovers over our constant, daily though processes, our heart gives us one main reason to try again. This cry trumps all logic and reason:
This is our heart-cry for a child.
So how do we know? How do we know whether to cast our hearts on the line, yet another time, or let it go and walk an entirely different direction?
1. At the foremost of this discussion has to be the realization that this is too big of a decision to merely rely on our emotions and feelings or even on our own wisdom. God has to be a part of the process, especially when, for many of us, the decision alone involves multiple health aspects that affect not only us but those we love.
So that your faith might not rest in the wisdom of men but in the power of God. 1 Corinthians 2:5
If any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask God, who gives generously to all without reproach, and it will be given him. James 1:5
2. While the maternal instinct is strong, God’s leading, which is based on His omniscient wisdom, needs to be stronger. Easier said than done, for sure! (See blogpost on 8/26/12 – Wisdom – What next?)
For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways, declares the LORD. For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts. Isaiah 55:8 – 9
Who is wise and understanding among you? By his good conduct let him show his works in the meekness of wisdom. But if you have bitter jealousy and selfish ambition in your hearts, do not boast and be false to the truth. This is not the wisdom that comes down from above, but is earthly, unspiritual, demonic. For where jealousy and selfish ambition exist, there will be disorder and every vile practice. But the wisdom from above is first pure, then peaceable, gentle, open to reason, full of mercy and good fruits, impartial and sincere. And a harvest of righteousness is sown in peace by those who make peace. James 3:13-18
It isn’t all that difficult to brainstorm a list of the pros and cons to trying again. When laid out on front of us in paper or of floating around in our minds, the interactions of these two lists create possibilities of endless either-or scenarios.
- Possible Pros: We do get pregnant. We carry to term. We achieve the dream of pregnancy and all the wonder that comes with it. The desire of experiencing birth, nursing, and parenting fulfilled. Our dream comes true…
- Possible Cons: Entering another cycle of hope and let-down. Negative side-effects of fertility drugs. The fear of the unknown. The potential bed-rest for a high-risk pregnancy. The emotional toll on our spouse of a pregnancy with unknowns, and of having to take on additional responsibilities. Pregnancy sickness that never ends. Another loss that could be our undoing…
When viewing all the angles, we fluctuate between the intensity of desire and the intensity of self-protection from further hurt. We can logically come to many conclusions that point to why we should not to try again. However, we can also emotionally feel why trying is an option that we just cannot let go.
God knows all of this, and He also knows what will be the best path for us, and what will bring Him the most glory. We must—can I emphasize that?—must, seek His face regarding this. This is too big of a decision with too many ramifications for those of us in the infertility and loss world, to ever consider making on our own.
The fear of the LORD is the beginning of knowledge; fools despise wisdom and instruction. Proverbs 1:7
Original material by Melissa J Carswell, MA, BCCC. Holly M Besser. Perfect Joy Ministries ©2012. May not be used or re-printed without permission. bsbp014-1p11-08-12